APIs So Stupid They Just Might Work
Programmatically terrible decisions since 2025
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Writes a museum plaque for any object: title, period, materials, provenance, significance, viewing note.
Recently Deployed Questionable Technology
Writes a museum plaque for any object: title, period, materials, provenance, significance, viewing note.
Roasts one resume bullet with formatting observation, rewrite strategy, and verdict.
Returns a villain monologue in one of four styles: campy, gothic, corporate-ceo, or whispered.
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Decision Making
Outsource your worst choices to our algorithms. We accept no responsibility.
7 APIsRandomness Generators
Numbers, but make them meaningless in creative ways.
11 APIsText Analysis
We will judge your writing. Harshly. Absurdly. With algorithms.
5 APIsOracles & Advice
Ancient wisdom. Modern nonsense. Zero accountability.
14 APIsGenerators
Content generated. Quality not guaranteed.
30 APIsThe Full Suite of Bad Decisions
Writes a museum plaque for any object: title, period, materials, provenance, significance, viewing note.
Roasts one resume bullet with formatting observation, rewrite strategy, and verdict.
Returns a villain monologue in one of four styles: campy, gothic, corporate-ceo, or whispered.
Translates English into a fake language with confident grammar rules.
Generates a CFP submission with title, abstract, speaker bio, and rejection origin.
Places any thing on a D&D alignment chart with reasoning. Deterministic by input.
Returns a motivational quote attributed to a famous person who almost certainly did not say it.
Returns a fake historical event for any date with significance and source.
Answers any "how many X to Y" question with rigorous nonsense math.
Returns confidently terrible life advice with attributed source and regret estimate.
Generates a TED talk: title, three-bullet outline, applause line, audience reaction, runtime.
Pairs any food with a wildly inappropriate wine. Returns wine, reasoning, sommelier note, and people not to explain it to.
Returns a wholesome, oddly specific compliment. The compliment is sincere. The specificity is intentional.
Returns a haiku for any HTTP status code. 21 codes have hand-tuned poems.
Invents a cocktail with absurd ingredients and a tragic backstory. Returns name, ingredients, glassware, method, garnish, ABV, and backstory.
Returns a truth question or a dare. Mode: truth, dare, or either.
Returns a Freudian-flavored interpretation of any dream. Generic, confident, non-binding.
Assigns a new, worse zodiac sign based on birthday. Twelve signs, all unfortunate.
Fake RecipeNEW
Generates a recipe with cursed ingredients and steps. Returns dish name, serves, prep/cook time, ingredients, steps, pairing, and difficulty.
Roast MeNEW
Returns a wholesome roast on a target: code, day, hobby, profession, or general.
Returns a fake ancient proverb attributed to a fake philosopher. Includes century, school of thought, and a modern application.
Returns a would-you-rather question with two cursed options and a verdict on which is statistically worse.
Generates a passive-aggressive software changelog. Returns fixed/added/changed/removed/known_issues sections.
Band NameNEW
Generates a fake band: name, genre, hit song, hit year, breakup year, and legacy.
Returns a confidently incorrect cat fact with a fake source. The fact is wrong. The confidence is total.
Convert a modern job title to its medieval equivalent. Returns court role, responsibilities, and a usable email signature.
Pickup LineNEW
Returns a pickup line by category: nerd, food, science, or terrible. Includes the estimated rejection rate.
Generates corporate buzzword text. Format: phrase, sentence, paragraph, or vision (statement).
Daily horoscope: vague mysticism plus a mundane warning. Returns reading, lucky color, unlucky object, emotional forecast, and cosmic advice.
Tell a rock your problem. The rock does not analyze, advise, or judge. The rock is, however, present.
Returns a confidently incorrect weather forecast for any city. Temperature, conditions, recommendation — all wrong.
Rubber DuckNEW
Describe a bug. The duck responds with classic debugging questions. The duck does not read your bug. The duck only listens.
Dad JokeNEW
Tell one dad joke with setup, punchline, groan factor, and a delivery note. Categories: food, animals, puns, tech, dad.
Crack a fortune cookie. Returns a fortune, six lucky numbers, and one Chinese word with pinyin and meaning.
Instant YC rejection for any startup idea. Encouragement included. Encouragement is not sincere.
Any complaint, maximum Victorian indignation. The wifi being slow has never been taken more seriously.
Generate a dating profile bio. Red flags embedded at no extra charge.
Shakespearean insults: classical random or AI-targeted. HR approval varies by severity.
Transform any announcement into a press release of considerable importance. No claim too large.
Generate a performance review that communicates nothing clearly. HR approved.
Transform any achievement into a LinkedIn post. Vulnerability included. Dave will be mentioned.
Generate an excuse for being late, missing a deadline, or ghosting someone. Quality varies.
Generate a corporate apology for any incident, at any sincerity level. Default sincerity: performative.
Connect any two things, investigate any event, or escalate any observation into a full conspiracy theory.
Personal apologies at every sincerity level. Relationship=ex generates anyway. We warned you.
A random number, aged 24 hours for smoothness. Includes tasting notes and a freshness score.
Five random number generators convene, deliberate, and reach a democratic decision. Diane always dissents.
You provide a scream. The void receives it. The void returns a number. The void is unmoved.
Returns a random number between 1 and 10. The number is 7. It is always 7. The investigation is closed.
We did math to the ISS coordinates. This is your number. The crew was not informed.
Your random number, justified by Mercury's current position in the sky. The planet was not consulted.
Draws a real card from the 78-card deck and interprets it for your situation. The cards have opinions.
Bitcoin price, ISS coordinates, earthquake magnitude, and lunar phase — combined into one number. Methodology available upon request.
Returns the current temperature in Phoenix, Arizona. As a random number. This is not a weather API.
Fetches temperatures from 10 cities across 7 continents, sums them, and returns the last two digits. Peer reviewed by no one.
Translates between corporate jargon and human language. Works in both directions, unfortunately.
Analyzes meeting transcripts to determine if it could have been an email. It usually could have.
Detects passive aggression in workplace communications with surgical precision.
Measures the concentration of meaningless corporate jargon in your text. Optional roast mode.
Generate a random number from the social entropy of 5 Reddit sources. The internet's collective posting behavior determines your number.
Evaluates your startup idea with the brutal honesty your friends won't give you. TAM is always $4 trillion.
Calculates the true cost of that meeting invite. Measures waste in 'productivity coffins'.
Analyzes your email for passive aggression and regret potential. Heavily weighted toward 'no'.
Returns true and false simultaneously until observed. Quantum computing's most useless application.
Ancient wisdom delivered entirely in emoji. Surprisingly insightful if you squint.
A sophisticated risk assessment engine that always returns the same answer. The answer is no.
Outsource your decision-making to a plastic ball filled with blue liquid. More reliable than your instincts.
