APIs So Stupid They Just Might Work
Programmatically terrible decisions since 2025
It looks like you're evaluating APIs. Have you tried a spreadsheet?
Recently Deployed Questionable Technology
A random number, aged 24 hours for smoothness. Includes tasting notes and a freshness score.
Five random number generators convene, deliberate, and reach a democratic decision. Diane always dissents.
You provide a scream. The void receives it. The void returns a number. The void is unmoved.
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Decision Making
Outsource your worst choices to our algorithms. We accept no responsibility.
5 APIsRandomness Generators
Numbers, but make them meaningless in creative ways.
10 APIsText Analysis
We will judge your writing. Harshly. Absurdly. With algorithms.
4 APIsOracles & Advice
Ancient wisdom. Modern nonsense. Zero accountability.
2 APIsGenerators
Content generated. Quality not guaranteed.
0 APIsThe Full Suite of Bad Decisions
A random number, aged 24 hours for smoothness. Includes tasting notes and a freshness score.
Five random number generators convene, deliberate, and reach a democratic decision. Diane always dissents.
You provide a scream. The void receives it. The void returns a number. The void is unmoved.
Returns a random number between 1 and 10. The number is 7. It is always 7. The investigation is closed.
We did math to the ISS coordinates. This is your number. The crew was not informed.
Your random number, justified by Mercury's current position in the sky. The planet was not consulted.
Draws a real card from the 78-card deck and interprets it for your situation. The cards have opinions.
Bitcoin price, ISS coordinates, earthquake magnitude, and lunar phase — combined into one number. Methodology available upon request.
Returns the current temperature in Phoenix, Arizona. As a random number. This is not a weather API.
Fetches temperatures from 10 cities across 7 continents, sums them, and returns the last two digits. Peer reviewed by no one.
Translates between corporate jargon and human language. Works in both directions, unfortunately.
Analyzes meeting transcripts to determine if it could have been an email. It usually could have.
Detects passive aggression in workplace communications with surgical precision.
Measures the concentration of meaningless corporate jargon in your text. Optional roast mode.
Evaluates your startup idea with the brutal honesty your friends won't give you. TAM is always $4 trillion.
Calculates the true cost of that meeting invite. Measures waste in 'productivity coffins'.
Analyzes your email for passive aggression and regret potential. Heavily weighted toward 'no'.
Returns true and false simultaneously until observed. Quantum computing's most useless application.
Ancient wisdom delivered entirely in emoji. Surprisingly insightful if you squint.
A sophisticated risk assessment engine that always returns the same answer. The answer is no.
Outsource your decision-making to a plastic ball filled with blue liquid. More reliable than your instincts.
